History of Sorts

In a bold move that experts are calling “confusing across multiple dimensions,” FIFA announced today that it has awarded former U.S. President Donald J. Trump the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his seven-second cameo in the 1992 holiday film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

The decision was unveiled at a press conference held at midfield in an empty stadium, where a FIFA spokesperson stood beside what appeared to be both a golden Oscar statuette and the World Cup trophy glued together with what witnesses described as “either epoxy or optimism.”
“After a thorough review of global cinema, governance structures, and vibes,” the spokesperson read from a 600-page report printed entirely in Comic Sans, “FIFA’s Executive Committee has determined that Mr. Trump’s performance as ‘Man Who Knows Where the Lobby Is’ represents the pinnacle of modern acting.”
A Performance for the Ages
In the iconic scene, young Kevin McCallister asks Trump for directions inside the Plaza Hotel. Trump points and says, “Down the hall and to the left.”
Film scholars are still unpacking the emotional range.
“Notice the subtle wrist motion,” said one FIFA-appointed film analyst who previously worked in regional ticketing logistics. “That’s not just pointing. That’s storytelling. That’s leadership. That’s a man who has seen a hallway before.”
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released a brief statement reading, simply, “We were not consulted.”
Why FIFA?
When asked why an international soccer governing body is now handling Hollywood awards, FIFA officials appeared puzzled by the question.
“Cinema, football, geopolitics, luxury watch sponsorships — these are all storytelling platforms,” said the organization’s newly created Director of Narrative Officiating. “Also, we already had a stage and some fireworks left over.”

Sources inside FIFA confirmed the vote was unanimous after committee members were told the award came with naming rights to three future tournaments and a complimentary luxury hospitality package in Doha.
Trump Responds
In a statement released within minutes of the announcement — reportedly drafted before the award was invented — Trump called the honor “the most prestigious acting award ever given, maybe ever conceived.”

“I carried that movie,” the statement read. “Without me, Kevin is still wandering the lobby. The film becomes Home Alone 2: Permanently Missing in New York. People don’t talk about that.”
He also hinted at a possible sequel appearance, suggesting he could play “Hotel Owner Who Also Solves Crime and Maybe Runs the UN.”
Hollywood Reacts
Actors across the industry expressed admiration, confusion, and in one case, a request for a rulebook.
Meryl Streep reportedly said, “I trained at Yale, studied Chekhov, and learned three dialects for Sophie’s Choice. I should have just given a child directions once.”
Meanwhile, Macaulay Culkin responded on social media with a single emoji of a map.
What’s Next
FIFA confirmed it is currently reviewing other “cinematic achievements,” including:

Awarding Best Cinematography to a slow-motion replay of a controversial offside call

Granting Lifetime Achievement to “That One Guy Who Paints His Chest at Every World Cup”

Nominating VAR (Video Assistant Referee) for Best Visual Effects

As for the Oscars, insiders say the Academy is considering retaliating by selecting the next World Cup host based solely on a monologue performed by a supporting character from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.
At press time, FIFA was rumored to be in talks to award Best Original Screenplay to a 0–0 draw.