By Faux News Contributor, Ima Jester
MAR-A-FALCON BASE — In a shocking twist to the already surreal reality-TV-meets-apocalypse era of American politics, the power couple known as “Trusk” — Donald Trump and Elon Musk — have officially filed for divorce after years of bizarre public affection, cryptic tweets, and failed space golf ventures.
“It’s over,” Trump told reporters outside a gold-plated Tesla prototype. “Elon was very disloyal. I invented the internet, SpaceX, and possibly Mars. He just rode on my coattails. Very sad!”
Elon Musk responded on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a rational company) with a post that read simply:
“@realDonaldTrump You were a suboptimal co-daddy. Neuralink could never decode your thought patterns. Also, your Truth Social account has 5G conspiracy malware. 🧠🚀🍌 #Block45”
A Custody Battle for America
Caught in the middle are their metaphorical sons: Senator J.D. Vance and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Both are reportedly devastated, although sources say Putin was never legally adopted and may have been more of a “pen-pal godson” with benefits.
JD Vance, who once loved Musk’s startup grind and Trump’s Rust Belt swagger in equal measure, is now being forced to choose.
“One dad built a cultural movement based on steelworkers and rage,” Vance tearfully confessed on Fox & Friends. “The other made a flamethrower and gave a car company a dogecoin mascot. How do you pick between those legacies?”
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin has remained stoic, reportedly retreating to a Siberian think tank/ice bath where he’s writing a novella about betrayal titled The Art of the Steal: How My Two Dads Blew It. Kremlin insiders say he’s leaning toward staying with Musk for the technology perks, especially after Trump referred to him as “a very strong boy who’s occasionally naughty, but he hugs like a Cossack.”
Property Division and Post-Nup Drama
The settlement process has been ugly. Trump demanded full control of Truth Social, the rights to use the word “tremendous,” and shared custody of Kanye. Musk, in turn, is demanding Mar-a-Lago be converted into a SpaceX launchpad and that Trump’s brain be scanned to locate the original McDonald’s fry recipe.
“They’re fighting over assets like it’s the Cold War all over again,” said one legal insider. “Only this time, the nukes are social media platforms and the launch codes are in a group chat called ‘Real Men of Giga.’”
A Nation in Mourning
The American public is reeling. Conservative Twitter has split into rival factions: #TeamDon and #TeamElon. Meanwhile, Democrats are reportedly watching the collapse while sipping kombucha and quietly googling “JD Vance in therapy.”
“I thought they’d last forever,” said one QAnon influencer, visibly distraught. “They were our Brangelina. But now? Now I don’t even know what reality is.”
What’s Next?
Trump is reportedly eyeing a new partner: Tucker Carlson in a wig. Musk, meanwhile, has been spotted having dinner with Ron DeSantis and a humanoid robot named Libby-tarian. Rumors of a rebound collab titled “Mars 2028: Make the Red Planet Great Again” are already circulating.
As for the children? Sources say J.D. Vance is writing a memoir titled Hillbilly Ejected while Putin has challenged Volodymyr Zelenskyy to a tag-team judo match — with Trump and Musk as the reluctant partners.
Disclaimer: This is satire. None of these events are real (though reality is trying really, really hard to keep up).
Want it turned into a fake news article with graphics or read aloud like an Onion segment? Just say the word.
History of Sorts 
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