In a surprise move that shocked diplomats, delighted tabloids, and confused everyone else with a shred of logic, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump and eternal Russian President Vladimir V. Putin tied the knot in a lavish, top-secret wedding held somewhere between Mar-a-Lago and a Siberian bunker (sources differ, possibly because of vodka).
The couple, whose bromance has long been the subject of whispered speculation, finally made it official after years of flirting through sanctions, stolen emails, and shirtless horseback admiration. According to guests who spoke on the condition of anonymity (and immunity from extradition), the ceremony was “equal parts Cold War cosplay and Mar-a-Lago opulence,” with just a hint of oligarch extravagance.
Ceremony Highlights:
- Trump walked down the aisle wearing a white dress which had formerly belonged to Chloe Robb, wife of Thomas Robb, Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan
- Putin arrived shirtless on a bear that winked at the camera, but later changed into a tuxedo
- The officiant was none other than Kim Jong-Un, who described the event as “the second-best day of my life, after I met Dennis Rodman.”
- Guests included Tucker Carlson, Steven Seagal, a hologram of Ronald Reagan (programmed to sob quietly).
The Vows:
Trump: “I take thee, Vlad, to be my lawfully surveilled husband. In wealth and in more wealth, in MAGA and in Mother Russia, until democracy do us part.”
Putin: “I vow to protect you from enemies, real and imagined, and to never leak your pee tape—unless you stop calling me ‘Puty-Wuty’ in front of the generals.”
The Reception:
Held in a fusion ballroom featuring both KGB décor and Trump Tower accents, the reception was a surreal blend of caviar and cheeseburgers. The cake was a 6-foot replica of the Kremlin wrapped in an edible wall.
Attendees danced the night away to the greatest wedding playlist never heard by NATO.
Exclusive Look: The Wedding Playlist of DJ MAGAvich
1. “Back in the USSR” – The Beatles
Played during the seating of the guests. Putin reportedly wept.
2. “I Will Always Love Me” – Trump, a Spoken Word Original
Remixed with “The Star-Spangled Banner” and a live bald eagle squawk.
3. “Oops!… I Did It Again” – Britney Spears
Dedicated to every international treaty both grooms have accidentally violated.
4. “Every Breath You Take” – The Police (FSB Remix)
Putin’s first dance pick. Allegedly had surveillance footage projected in the background.
5. “Golden Showers” – R. Kelly (removed at the last minute due to “PR optics”)
Replaced with “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” which didn’t help.
6. “Sabotage” – Beastie Boys
Played during the bouquet toss, which was intercepted by a drone.
7. “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Rolling Stones
A musical roast aimed at NATO, featuring backing vocals by a confused Kid Rock.
8. “Wind of Change” – Scorpions
Guests sang this tearfully while linking arms and passing around a flask of Siberian moonshine.
9. “You’re the Dictator of My Heart” – Original song by Kid Rock feat. Sarah Palin
Too many electric balalaikas. Not enough shame.
10. “Closing Time” – Semisonic
Everyone left in armored limousines. Snowden caught the bouquet and vanished.
Post-Wedding Plans
The couple is said to be honeymooning in a luxury missile silo deep in the Urals, where they’ll enjoy borscht breakfasts, shirtless target practice, and synchronized denials of international interference.
Their first order of joint marital business? Launching a luxury real estate brand named “Iron Curtain Condos.” Each unit comes with state-run Wi-Fi and a framed love letter from Julian Assange.
Love knows no borders, no party lines, and certainly no term limits.
Stay tuned for the sequel: “The Adoption of Elon Musk.”
Just a bit of Satire for the Wednesday afternoon
History of Sorts 
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