History of Sorts

A BIT OF SATIRE FOR THE WEEKEND

America, rejoice! President Donald J. Trump is once again blessing us with his economic wizardry by proposing a magnificent new round of tariffs. Because what could possibly be better for the average American than paying more for literally everything?

Yes, folks, in an effort to “stick it to China” (or any country that dares sell us things at a reasonable price), Trump has proposed tariffs that will raise costs on essential goods. Who needs affordable electronics, cars, and food anyway? Inflation is just a state of mind, and if you can’t afford a new washing machine, well, have you considered just scrubbing your clothes in the river like our ancestors did?

The Master Plan

According to the president, tariffs will make America stronger, richer, and more self-reliant. After all, why should we rely on those sneaky foreigners when we can pay triple for the same product made right here at home? Sure, a $2,000 iPhone might sound excessive, but isn’t that just the price of patriotism?

And let’s not forget the jobs! Because, obviously, when companies are forced to pay higher prices for raw materials, they definitely won’t cut costs by laying off workers. No, no—American businesses will simply reach into their bottomless bags of money and pay whatever it takes to keep things running. That’s just basic economics, folks.

Trickle-Down Pain

Of course, critics—also known as people who read—have pointed out that tariffs function as a tax on consumers. But what do they know? Trump assures us that China will pay for the tariffs, just like Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall. And if prices go up at your local Walmart? That’s probably just a deep-state conspiracy cooked up by the Federal Reserve to make Trump look bad.

America First (Even If It’s Last)

As always, Trump’s policies are about putting America first—even if that means leading the world in the highest consumer prices. If other countries retaliate with their own tariffs, well, that’s just proof that they don’t respect America’s economic dominance. Who needs international trade when we can live off corn and patriotic spirit alone?

So get ready, America! If you thought inflation was bad now, just wait until tariffs kick in. But don’t worry—Trump will surely find someone else to blame when it all goes south.

Maybe even you.

MAPMA -Make America Pay More Again